September 16, 2009

Today is your due date. This is what Daddy mumbled at 2:30am last night as he re-swaddled your red and screaming body. Meanwhile, Mommy sat hunched in the rocking chair, the breast pump sucking at her nipples and Luxy puked and heaved and Grandma Ricki followed Luxy around on all fours, cleaning up the piles of vomit.

This morning you latched on well which made me euphoric so I left you with Grandma and came here, to Blue Monday, to drink a latte and check e-mail and eat an almond croissant.

Though it's still warm, the leaves have started their chameleon tumble down to the earth. Because there has not been any rain, they are still dry and scuttle and crunch against the pavement. Grandma says that the sound perks you up and that your eyes scan back and forth as you try to figure out what it is.

Last night Grandma Ricki asked me to take pictures of her with you, "so that if I die, Thisbe will know that I was here." Let me be clear: she has been here for you, Ms. Thisbe, since moment #1, shrieking and crying at your birth, taking you on walks in the parking lot with her finger in your mouth. She sleeps on the floor of your nursery, with Luxy curled behind her knees. Last night I brought you into her because you wouldn't settle down on my chest and I found the two of you later, you on your back and Grandma on her side, curled protectively around you. Ricki feeds Mommy and Daddy beautiful meals, she cleans our bathroom, she fetches extra syringes and feeding tubes from the hospital. She loves to put on "Wee Sing Silly Songs," a CD that Daddy cannot stand, and march you around the house. Though she does not have a perfect voice, she has no fear about singing to you. She says you are beautiful and that she will stay with us as long as we need and that she loves you. So whatever happens, know that she was one of the first people in your life to love you whole and deep and strong. I pray to God that you know her for the next thirty years of your life, but if you don't, you'll still carry her with you. And you'll be a better person because she loved you.